How to handle sibling bickering
BY KAREN DEERWESTER
Parents believe, or hope, their children will be best friends. And yet, the majority of siblings at one time or another
drive each other crazy. They tease, antagonize and provoke - in the car, at dinner tables, on perfectly planned vacations. Entitlement-thinking parents believe, unrealistically, that they can create a perfect world without conflict. They hope, with futility, that they can make siblings love one another.
Entitlement-free parenting, from The Entitlement-Free Child, teaches children that "love" isn't based on getting your way. Instead of demanding that siblings "love" each other, entitlement-free parents teach mutual respect as a family value. The "love" will come with the maturity that's based on caring and understanding.
How to cope:
1. Find one phrase that captures an age-appropriate sibling message. For example, "You may not
always like what your brother does, but I want you to use kind words;" or "Brothers are brothers forever - I hope you can work this out." Your expectation is now a family motto.
2. Without taking sides, get the children to describe the problem (even if you saw everything). Listen to both sides until everything the children need to say is said. "He hit me." "Her foot touched my foot." Get it all. Then proceed to the next two strategies.
3. Help the children clarify any real underlying messages. Offer your grown-up insight to the situation. For example, "I think you're really trying to say that you're tired and need a little space;" or "You look like you're still mad that your sister lost your truck."
4. Start looking for a workable solution. Ask the children first, "What can we do about this?" If they can agree on an answer, give it a try, whether or not it makes sense to you. If the conflict is irresolvable at this time, find a temporary solution to keep the peace. Rotate the children's seats in the car so they aren't next to one another. Institute quiet time when conflict is escalating. Make a game of change-the-subject-for the next five minutes, you can only talk about "blue" or "giant green alligators."
Karen Deerwester is the author of "The Entitlement-Free Child" and "The Potty Training Answer Book" and the owner of Family Time Coaching and Consulting. She offers one-on-one parent coaching, as well as classes and seminars. She is also Mommy & Me director at B'Nai Torah Congregation in Boca Raton, where she works with mothers, infants and toddlers through age 2. Get more information about B'Nai Torah's early childhood education program here. Visit the Family Time website and follow Deerwester on Twitter @FamilyTimeInc.
