Stop telling kids what to do; they already know
BY JANE SISOIAN
We spend way too much time telling kids what to do. The best way to teach children is by asking them effective questions. This not only empowers them to think for themselves, but also enhances creativity, teaches them problem-solving skills, and instills a belief in themselves that they are valuable.
Think how often we are "telling" our children what they should and shouldn�t do. When kids make mistakes, usually our first response is to tell them what they did wrong and make them feel bad about it.
As a parent, I know how those lecturing words want to blurt out. We are so emotionally attached to our kids and tired of them making the same mistakes that we respond without much thought. The key is
to be conscious of what's going on and to catch yourself.
Next time you have the opportunity, pause and think how you can respond with questions. By changing your approach, your child can actually learn from their mistakes.
Keep most of the questions focused in the present or future. To ask the children, "What were you thinking?" or "Why did you do that?", only makes them feel bad about what they have done and does not
teach them.
Here are some examples to use with varying age groups:
1. Your 4-year-old son hit another child because they wanted the same toy. Some effective questions would be: "What can you do about what just happened? How do you think that child feels about what happened? What would have been a better way to get the toy you wanted?"
2. Your third-grader comes home with a poor grade on a test. "How do feel about your grade? What grade would you like to see next time? Why do you think you did poorly on this test? What can you
do next time so your grade is what you want it to be? How can I help you with that?"
3. You catch your teenage daughter treating her good friend poorly. "What is causing you to feel this way toward your friend? How do you think she feels when you leave her out? How would you feel if a
friend did that to you? What can you do to help improve your friendship?
In all of these examples, the focus is not on the mistake as much as it is on how to fix the mistake or make it better in the future. Trust that your children have the answers inside them. You will be amazed at what they know.
Jane Sisoian is a third-grade teacher at Del Prado Elementary School in Boca Raton. She has 16 years
of teaching experience, certified in early childhood, elementary and gifted education. Jane is the
owner of Positive Solutions for Children and Families and a member of RCB of South Florida. She
gives courses to children to help them reach their full potential and is also a certified parent
instructor of the Redirecting Children's Behavior course. Jane can be reached at 561-542-1700 or
online at www.positivesolutionsinfo.com.
