How to handle kids' feelings -
and keep them talking to you
BY JANE SISOIAN
Most parents want their children to openly talk to them. Yet many children don't feel comfortable coming to their parents, especially as they get into their teen years. Learning how to listen and handle children's feelings begins early on. There are two ways that parents can respond when their child comes
 to them with a problem or is upset about something: As a "feeling stopper" or a "feeling encourager."
Feeling stoppers
These are comments we make that shut down a child's feelings - comments that judge and make a child want to stop communicating: scolding, lecturing, sarcasm, solving the problem, comparing, punishing,
rescuing, etc.
For example, consider a young child crying because his friend couldn't come over to play. Some typical
responses:
"Stop crying or I'll put you in time-out." (Punishing)
"Every time you don't get your way, you start crying! I'm sick of the crying and it needs to stop!"
(Lecturing)
"How about if we call another friend to come over and play?" (Solving the problem)
"Oh honey, I'm sorry. Come here and let me give you a hug, you poor thing." (Pitying)
All of these responses keep a child from feeling what they want to feel, which is simply disappointment.
These are the types of comments that we make every day that are sure to push your child away over time.
Feeling encouragers
These kinds of responses open the space for your child to feel accepted and loved and help build
self-confidence. These are the comments that will leave your child feeling valued and accepted and will
keep them coming back to you, even into their teen years.
Back to the example from above - with some encouraging responses:
"I can see it was important to you to play with Bobby."
"You're feeling sad because you wanted to play with Bobby."
That's it. There is no need to punish, lecture, fix or pity them.
Allow children the freedom to have their feelings. As a parent, your job is not to fix their problems or
implement some sort of discipline when they express themselves. They just want to be heard and
understood. More often than not, once they have been allowed to freely express themselves, they will
feel free to move on.
Jane Sisoian is a third-grade teacher at Del Prado Elementary School in Boca Raton. She has 16 years of teaching experience and is certified in early childhood, elementary and gifted education. Jane is the co-owner of Positive Solutions for Children and Families. She gives courses to children to help them reach their full potential. and is also a certified parent instructor of the Redirecting Children's Behavior course. Jane can be reached at 561-542-1700 or online at www.positivesolutionsinfo.com.
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