Art of the deal: When & how to negotiate with kids
BY KAREN DEERWESTER
Negotiation teaches children important communication and problem-solving skills. Even so, there's a time and place. If everything is open to negotiation, every decision will involve tedious and time-consuming discussions. Sometimes even reasonable parents resort to some variation of that classic theme - "because I said so." In those cases, children learn other skills like patience and respect for others.
Deal or No Deal?
 Children need balance - opportunities to express themselves and opportunities to accept age-appropriate boundaries.
If your child screams "I hate you," it isn't a matter for debate. Instead, help your child understand what she's feeling by saying, "You don't like what I'm saying right now, but it's my job to stop you from hurting yourself or others." It's better for children to express intense emotions in words than with destructive actions.
- If your child is demanding "I want candy now," you can try to shift to calmer ground explaining that he may have the candy after dinner. If you are true to your word, your child will learn that he doesn't need to have a tantrum to be heard.
- If your child promises to clean up her toys after watching a video and then does it (possibly after a gentle reminder), your child is still learning responsibility. There's no harm "making a deal" when you are happy with the result. You are merely negotiating a few of the terms.
Negotiating is about choices. Your child has preferences that may be different from your own. He likes football jerseys and red socks. You like white Polo shirts with navy. As long as you are not held hostage by his demands, he can enjoy himself and live happily with others.
No Discussion
The only way your child learns the boundaries of appropriate power is by crossing the line. There will be times when you must shut down the negotiation - unsafe behavior, inappropriate bedtimes, whether to take bad-tasting medicine, or how many cupcakes will make them sick. Children need adults who must make good decisions on their behalf.
If you're feeing a little guilty about having to play the bad guy, find a mantra that supports you through those sticky situations. You might say, "This time, it's Mommy's choice," or "It's Daddy's job to keep you safe and strong."
Feel free to give your child a full explanation at another time when she's not trying to "work" you. Don't be surprised, however, if your child doesn't care to hear your explanation when there's no longer the incentive to get her way.
Finally, if you are in a negotiation with your child, avoid bartering that escalates. This may happen when you say "two minutes to bedtime" and your child says "no, three minutes." You might think "no big deal, I can choose my battles here." Is three minutes so different from two anyway? Except when three minutes is over, your child says "two more minutes." This isn't about "time"; it's about your child checking to see if you mean what you say.
You want your child to find his voice - to be an assertive and creative problem solver. You just don't want to lose your voice along the way.
Karen Deerwester is the author of "The Entitlement-Free Child" and "The Potty Training Answer Book"
and the owner of Family Time Coaching and Consulting. She offers
one-on-one parent coaching, as well as classes and seminars. She is
also Mommy & Me director at B'Nai Torah Congregation in Boca Raton,
where she works with mothers, infants and toddlers through age 2. Get
more information about B'Nai Torah's early childhood education program here. Visit the Family Time website and follow Karen on Twitter @FamilyTimeInc.
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