3-Minute Guru
Monday, April 25, 2011
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Moms, cut yourself some slack
BY KAREN DEERWESTER
The New York Times reported recently that "self-compassion" may lead to better health. New research suggests that "treating yourself as well as you treat your friends and family" decreases depression and anxiety, fosters more happiness and optimism, and may influence potential weight loss.
Self-compassion is a stronger motivation than self-criticism, yet not the same as self-indulgence or excuses.
Who nee ds more self-compassion and kindness than mothers?
Every mother strives to be the best, do the best and give the best to her children. But unlike dieting, there are few concrete measures of success - today's triumphs and smiles get put to bed every night only to begin again tomorrow.
It isn't a joke that motherhood and guilt are almost synonymous - no matter what mom does right; there'll always be something else that falls through the cracks or a new stage of development to challenge everything that worked yesterday.
So, here are 10 reminders for moms to boost their daily self-compassion:
- Instead of beating yourself for what you don't know, choose to be curious about kids and parenting. Give yourself time and practice to grow as a parent. Observe, listen and play with your kids and with your own parenting style. Choose to have fun - parenting is really too important to be taken seriously.
- Accept that you can't know everything, but you are smarter than your child. You can be a deer in headlights waiting for perfect knowledge or you can trust that you know enough to guide your child. If you pay close enough attention, you'll be surprised that you can ahead of the learning curve to teach what your child needs today.
- Embrace mistakes as your own teachable moments, or just an accidental whoops. As your children watch you handle obstacles, frustration, disappointment and imperfection, they will learn persistence and resilience.
- Don't compare kids or parenting. Well, actually, there's no avoiding comparisons - just don't measure yourself by someone else's standards. More often than not, you are not seeing their challenges and shortcomings, only the illusion of easy perfection. Try having an honest discussion instead.
- Grow from good-guilt (e.g., is there something I'd like to do differently?). Expel bad-guilt from your communication, especially your inner monologue (e.g., woulda, coulda, shoulda).
- Take care of yourself ... daily. Parenting is a marathon, and you need stamina and endurance for decades of love and guidance. There is nothing selfish about nurturing your own well-being and your grown-up relationships.
- Surround yourself with a positive support network. Find like-minded people who will honor your parenting style and family values. There isn't one right way to be a parent but it gets awfully lonely without someone who understands your struggles and decisions. (FYI, your kids can't possibly give you a proper thank-you till they're parents themselves).
- Dare to suck sometimes! Heard this first as an improv technique. Some parenting situations stretch your creativity and resourcefulness beyond any known experience. Go for it. At worst, you'll have a very funny story to tell your grandkids.
- Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Perfection is truly overrated. Remember, perfect parents do not raise perfect kids; they raise kids who feel not good enough.
- Today's best is good-enough for today. At the end of the day, tuck in the kids and tuck in yourself. Tomorrow is a fresh start.
Compassion begins at home with ourselves. Give your children a powerful tool for lifelong health and happiness by showing them how to treat themselves with kindness and compassion.
Karen Deerwester is the author of "The Entitlement-Free Child" and "The Potty Training Answer Book"
and the owner of Family Time Coaching and Consulting. She offers
one-on-one parent coaching, as well as classes and seminars. She is
also Mommy & Me director at B'Nai Torah Congregation in Boca Raton,
where she works with mothers, infants and toddlers through age 2. Get
more information about B'Nai Torah's early childhood education program here. Visit the Family Time website and follow Karen on Twitter @FamilyTimeInc.
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