3-Minute Guru
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
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Don't force your kids to give hugs
BY SALLY BERENZWEIG AND CHERIE BENJOSEPH
Do your relatives want to hug, kiss and touch your kids ... but your kids sometimes don't want to? What do you do? Do you force your children to hug Uncle Joe or Nana Betty so as not to insult the adult? If so, this is the message you are sending your child:
"The wants and feelings of the adults are more important than your wants and feelings. I, the adult, can tell you what to do with your body."
 This message is subliminal - that even though you might not be comfortable, or perhaps not in the mood to give a hug, you have to because I have said that you need to. This makes a child feel powerless instead of feeling powerful and in control of how they "share" their bodies with others. We know parents don't intentionally want to send that message, but we do it all the time.
Consider this alternative scenario:
Uncle Joe comes to visit and says to his niece, "Come give your uncle a hug." She says, "No thanks." She then instead offers a high-five, knuckle bump, or a premade card. She is polite and assertive, and can even say, "It's great to see you." But she gets to decide if she wants to hug, kiss or touch Uncle Joe because YOU the parent have sat down with her and explained that her body belongs to her. She is in charge of who touches her and who she DECIDES to touch.
You have empowered her and taught her about personal boundaries. Imagine having this conversation ongoing from age 3. This skill you have taught your child will be a gift for his/her lifetime.
Why? Children who have a strong sense of self, and have been empowered with personal safety education will not be as vulnerable to a predator in their midst.
Giving a child the opportunity to REHEARSE this subliminal yet empowering experience, and to choose when and with whom to share their physical affections with their parents' support, sends a strong message to the child. Parents need to tell their children, "You do not have to be blindly obedient just because an adult tells you to do something."
A child who feels empowered about their body boundaries will become a "hard" target for someone wanting to harm him or her.
Local moms Sally Berenzweig and Cherie Benjoseph are the creators of the KidSafe personal safety education program, which is taught in preschools and elementary schools throughout South Florida. Sally and Cherie also offer seminars for parents in schools (read about a recent session in our blog) and corporations and workshops for teachers. Visit their nonprofit foundation's website, "like" it on Facebook and follow them on Twitter @KidSafeMoms.
KidSafe has also published a new book to help parents have conversations like this with their children. You can order 'My Body is Special and Belongs to Me' for $13.95.
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