3-Minute Guru


 Tuesday, March 8, 2011
How to teach young kids to share

BY KAREN DEERWESTER

  Sharing is a challenging concept for young children. Sharing requires complex emotional and cognitive skills that are not fully developed in young children.  So, while you want your child to "do the right thing", your child's sharing ability is still very much "under construction".

   1. You must own it before you can share it.  Sharing is hardest in the No/Mine Stage (18 months to 3 years) as your child learns the ins and outs of ownership.  Labeling the world "mine" is the first step to claiming a sense of self in a big world.  Give your child plenty of opportunities to collect and carry things.  Let your child feel the power of "mine" before asking her to let it go.

   2. Practice sharing things that have multiple pieces before trying to share a single object.  It's Karen Deerwester.much easier to share cookies or blocks than it is for your child to learn to take turns, or worse, to relinquish possession for an indeterminate amount of time.  Build a habit of sharing through short, positive experiences to show your child that sharing is fun and nonthreatening.

   3. Prepare for play dates by choosing activities that have enough toys for everyone.  Your child will not be able to share his favorite truck but he may like to play trucks if you have six fun trucks and some new tunnels to add to the game.  If there are six trucks and the children are fighting to have only the truck that the other child is holding, start with a simple redirection:  "Hey guys, let's try making a road for your trucks." or "Who has the loudest truck horn - honk, honk?"  Keep in mind some struggles are not about the toys at all.

   4. Guide and lead. To share or not to share is a conflict is about emotions, power, trust and self control.  Describe the sharing conflict in the simplest possible terms:  "Looks like you both want the same toy."  Then, state the problem: "Hmmm, I wonder what we should do?"  Sometimes just acknowledging the emotions diffuses the power play.  Your child might feel better just being heard - "yes, I want it NOW. And I don't want to wait.  And she's not my friend any more! Okay, let's play."

   Other times your child needs a role model.  You can then stay nearby to help your child wait for a turn or insure that his turn will in fact come.  Timing turns works because it allows the child with ownership to prepare to relinquish control and it reassures the waiting child that the wait will not be indefinite.  Only after repeated trials will a child learn that turn-taking is in fact safe and fair.

   5. Give skills time to develop. You want your child to learn to be a compassionate person.  Keep a slow 'n steady course towards the goal.  Your child is learning how to treat others.  Your child is learning how to exercise self control.  His way is not the only way.  He is learning that other people have feelings too. Your child is also learning that lengths of time are predictable and she can trust that her needs will be met in the future.  No wonder learning to share takes time!

    Sometimes it's more important not to share.  Even adults do not share everything - not husbands, not toothbrushes.  Teach your child to be thoughtful of others while still honoring his own needs.  It's okay to put special toys away before friends arrive.  It's okay to not want someone to touch your blanket when you're sad.  You'll be surprised though.  Once your child "owns" who he is, he won't need to hold so tight to the objects to prove it.



Karen Deerwester is the author of "The Entitlement-Free Child" and "The Potty Training Answer Book" and the owner of Family Time Coaching and Consulting. She offers one-on-one parent coaching, as well as classes and seminars. She is also Mommy & Me director at B'Nai Torah Congregation in Boca Raton, where she works with mothers, infants and toddlers through age 2. Get more information about B'Nai Torah's early childhood education program here. Visit the Family Time website and follow Karen on Twitter @FamilyTimeInc.
  • Join Karen and BocaParent.com for a screening of the education documentary Race to Nowhere, 7 p.m. April 7 at B'Nai Torah Congregation. The film will be followed by a panel discussion that will include Karen and other local experts. Buy tickets at RacetoNowhere.com.