Figuring out how to pick your battles
BY KAREN DEERWESTER
Parents have been told for decades to choose their battles. Which battles are most important? Of course, you want your child to eat but you can’t force him if he spits the food back out. What can you reasonably expect at each stage of development? Who’s right when one parent is strict and another is relaxed? You just want to know: Which battles really matter?
The difficulty is that the big picture values like respect, kindness, or responsibility take decades to learn and a lifetime of practice. If you try to teach everything your child needs to know, your child will be confused and overwhelmed.
Children learn complex concepts in very small concrete ways. You teach responsibility by caring for a goldfish or by getting to school on time – either one works. You teach respect by helping others or by using inside voices in quiet places. Each so-called battle is simply a decision to help your child grow into the person you hope he will be. Then stand behind the choices that matter most to you.
Choose wisely because you are making a commitment to enforce what’s important to you. Your child must always believe you are willing to uphold the rule. If you institute a new clean-up rule, you must also set aside additional time for clean-up. Hands-on parenting works. Armchair parenting does not.
- Say "yes" more than "no". Too many "no’s" are just as ineffective as too few. Your child tunes you out or gives up because he keeps running into roadblocks. Look ahead. Leaving a playground is hard but going home to feed the cat is fun. Turning off a television is hard but snuggling in bed with a favorite book feels good.
- Choose rules that work for you. Rules can be arbitrary but they are essential to sanity and safety. In some households children only eat in the kitchen. In others, children go to sleep at 7:00. There will never be universal rules for all children in all homes. But every home needs a few time-honored rules.
- Teach your child the skills needed to follow the rules. A rule is meaningless if your child isn’t getting it. It’s important not to lose credibility. If an "inside voice" is challenging to your child, practice with toilet paper rolls to make it fun. If running through stores has become a game, make a few trips to the mall when you have nothing else to do but teach appropriate behavior. And leave as soon as your child starts to test your commitment.
Most times your child is trying to do the right thing. If your child can’t get it right today, try again
tomorrow. Five minutes of appropriate behavior is a foundation for long term success. Twenty minutes of
inappropriate behavior is that much more to be untaught another time.
Choosing your battles means keeping your perspective. Weigh your choices and your strategies against your long-term goals. Are you living by someone else’s rules? Do your actions reflect your values? Your child has much to learn but he doesn’t have to learn it overnight. Teach him with steady confidence and he will grow into a fine person.
Karen Deerwester is the author of "The Entitlement-Free Child" and "The Potty Training Answer Book" and the owner of Family Time Coaching and Consulting. She offers one-on-one parent coaching, as well as classes and seminars. She is also Mommy & Me director at B'Nai Torah Congregation in Boca Raton, where she works with mothers, infants and toddlers through age 2. Get more information about B'Nai Torah's early childhood education program here. Visit the Family Time website and follow Karen on Twitter @FamilyTimeInc.
