3-Minute Guru
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
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Gossip: Teach kids not to do it
BY SHERRY THOMAS
Gossip. It isn't confined to schoolyards and office buildings. It's right inside our homes.
Not long ago, one of my students called to eagerly tell me how she remembered what I had taught her. She proceeded to tell me about a gossipy situation at school. I was so proud of her and the way she handled it as it takes a strong person of any age, but especially a child, to take a stand against harmful, painful remarks leveled at someone behind their back.
There is an expression that "perception is reality." When one hears gossip enough, it turns into truth for many people. Stares ensue, cliques get stronger, and someone is almost always hurt in the process.
Parents, if our children listen to us gossip with friends and family, what are they to expect? We are giving them a license to do the same and by doing so, we are setting them up for some uncomfortable moments within their relationships. One school that I know had to call in a psychologist to handle this. Gossip and innuendo had become so polarizing, so hurtful, that this academic institution drew the line and brought in assistance.
Now, what is the difference in gossip and discussion? It's simple - gossip is anything hurtful toward or about another person. Its words embarrass and disappoint. It is a collection of words that can destroy friendships, rip apart families, create chaos at school, in the workplace, and inside the home. Gossip moves at the speed of lightning.
Preparation for the gossip world - questions to use while explaining gossip
- Is this something that you would say directly to that person's face?
- Is this something that would hurt your feelings if someone said it about you?
- Is this something that you would hurt you if it was said about any one of your loved ones - your mother, father, sister, brother, cousin?
- By speaking these words to others, are you willing to risk losing that friend or family member? Are you willing to lose their trust?
- How do you feel when you engage in gossip? What are your intentions? Is it to fit in, to be liked or accepted, or does it give you some sort of power?
- Do you want to have to answer to any of the comments that you may have made? Are you prepared, when that person approaches you, to fess up? Not many of us like conflict.
The answer is: Don't do it! Just don't do it. The repercussions of gossip are severe.
How not to engage in gossip
Teach your children to walk away. This is by far the easiest method of escape. Explain that there is guilt by association and if your child never even utters a derogatory word, being seen with the gossipers is often enough for conviction of the crime. Repeat these words: "I really don't like to talk about people this way," and teach them to your children at an early age. Remind them that even if they are privy to it, to store that information and never discuss it with anyone except a parent.
Nothing good normally comes from gossip. And guess what? There is an interesting bonus to all of this. Your child will quickly earn the reputation as trustworthy, having strong integrity and will be viewed as a leader!
And parents, become a good role model in the gossip department. Extract yourself from this kind of talk with your friends, whether sitting at a red light or standing by the office water cooler. Children will emulate what they see and hear. If mom or dad are constantly in someone else's business, what is the child to think?
Sherry Thomas is president of The Palm Beach School of Etiquette and Life Skills. Follow her on Twitter @EtiquetteQueen.
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