3-Minute Guru

Tuesday, Nov. 15, 2011

What to do when your child is bullied

BY SHERRY THOMAS

New Jersey just signed the toughest anti-bullying policy in our country. It holds people accountable on and off school premises. It holds people accountable - period. I have two Etiquette and Life Skills students, both the victims of school bullying.  One left a school because of it.

What we tell our kids and how it is best handled is the million-dollar question - and its answer. Some school officials are reluctant to become involved, while others are proactive in snuffing out this behavior before it escalates.  For those schools who take this seriously, I applaud you.  

Let me start by saying: If there is an imminent risk of danger to anyone, be it child or adult, call the police. This is no time to attempt to be politically correct.
 
What are the signs that your child may be experiencing bullying at school?  Often a child will become quiet and withdrawn, moody or hesitant to study.  Grades may slip.

I encourage parents to look for any changes in attitude or behavior. Regularly check your kids' social media pages. You are not snooping!

As parents, we may be able to pre-empt this adversity if we cue into our kids. Regularly ask open-ended questions about how things are going.  Describe the many types of bullying and explain that there is physical as well as emotional bullying and that both are damaging.

I have students who cannot recall anything about their first years in school in regard to activities or academics, but can recall every detail of an unpleasant bully experience. It has life-long effects.  Explain the difference between "tattling" and "protecting."
 
Open up the topic. Tell your child that you've been reading about schoolyard bullying lately and was wondering if that exists at his school.  Ask if any of his friends are being bullied. Make it almost third person.  Your child will feel less uncomfortable if it appears that you're concerned about your child?s friends. This may provide the gateway to other, more personal conversations regarding your child's firsthand experiences.

Teach your child how to use words. In many cases, when the bully is confronted privately, the bullying will
stop - not always, but often.  This also depends on the severity of bullying. No one wants a child to be in an isolated area with someone who may cause physical harm. This approach is primarily for those bullies who relentlessly stir controversy with snide remarks or gossip.

One approach is to never be accusatory.  Ask if there is a reason for this behavior. Is there something that has happened to offend? Is there information that has been given to the bully that might be inaccurate?  Use words first and ask if there is a way to get along.  If your child is too young, then parents, you must intervene on the child's behalf.

Keep a log of every occurrence - the date, the event, where it happened. If the bullying continues, it is time to take it to the next level.

Parents need to contact school officials and explain the severity of the situation and its progression.  Ask
officials to call a meeting with the bully, the parents, and/or school counselors or licensed professionals.

Have a discussion that examines good and bad behavior and discuss how harmful certain words and actions can be. If the school won't intervene, contact the superintendent's office.  Ensure that your voice is heard and that your concerns are duly noted, even if it  means moving up to the higher levels of the state's school governing bodies.  Remember, times are different.  In yesteryear, kids were taught that if someone didn't leave them alone, to just take it out back and settle it.  In today's times, that could mean a lifelong blemish on an academic record and/or a police record for you or your teen. Get the attention of those in charge.

Often a bully is calling out. School bullying normally has to do with establishing an identity, even if it is a
negative one, and bullies often move up in the schoolyard hierarchy by ruling with fear.  Some are mimicking what they've seen at home.  Some have experienced recent trauma themselves such as divorce or the death of a loved one.  I'm not defending bullies, mind you, but there is usually an underlying reason that one feels the need to belittle another.

It is hard to avoid a bully at school.  A student's primary focus should be on studying, enjoying the wonderful socialization that school offers,  and understanding the long-term rewards for education - not having to 'become tougher, learn what the real world is all about by experiencing bullies' creed - the theme to which some may subscribe. I pooh-pooh that.  There are other ways to build character.  Kindness and exhibiting strong leadership skills go a lot farther in life.

Finally, but most important, seek help. Your child may need outside counseling to deal with the trauma that it has caused. Don't take this lightly. A licensed professional may secure more information than the parent and may assist with coping skills, as well alleviate any guilt that the child may have regarding blaming himself or reporting the bad behavior.  A child needs to know that bullying is unacceptable and that no one should be expected to just "deal with it."

A child should never have to forfeit an academic institution because of the bad behavior of others. Never.

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Sherry Thomas is president of The Palm Beach School of Etiquette and Life Skills and a professor of etiquette and life skills at the Lifestyles College of Development in Delray Beach. She is also an image coach and consultant for celebrities and professional athletes. Follow her on Twitter @EtiquetteQueen.

• Find more local resources for dealing with bullying in the BocaParent blog.