Divorce: How to break it to the kids
BY SHERRY THOMAS
Divorce is painful enough for the parents but for kids, it can be traumatic. It can shape their future relationships and destroy trust. Handled properly, it can show kids that problems don't necessarily lead to bitterness, pettiness and resentment. Let the kids be the focus. They should be your foremost priority.
Kids instinctively know when things are less than blissful at home but the big "D" can still come as a surprise. Kids think that bickering is normal, and over time they may begin to view it as a natural part of life. For the most part, some bickering is.
But wham! Divorce? That word sets off an alarm in their heads where they begin to question every single argument.
Once you make the decision to go your separate ways, call a family meeting - and be prepared for it. You and your soon-to-be ex should discuss this meeting in detail. You are about to change their lives. Rehearse this moment to avoid any words that may come back to haunt you.
Explain to the children that the divorce has absolutely nothing to do with them. Children seem to always blame themselves. They may recall every single detail of what they've done lately to upset you. This is normal but address the guilt complex immediately.
Make sure there is lots of touching, lots of holding. Calm and reserve are the words here - calm and reserve loaded with lots of affection.
If the kids ask for a reason as to why you are getting divorced, have an honest answer such as you just don't get along well anymore. If the real reason is one of infidelity, you have a decision to make - tell the truth or explain to them you that you will have a deeper discussion about it when they're older.
This discussion is all dependent on age and maturity. Only the two of you can make that determination, but it's a good idea to seek the advice of licensed professionals before charging ahead.
Explain how much you love them and how that will never, ever change. Don't paint this rosy picture of how much grander life will be with two homes, two pools, two sets of clothes.
Children are smart. Don't try to deceive them. This day will be indelibly imprinted in their memories.
Simply state how each of you, the parents, will work together to ensure that their routine is least interrupted and that Mommy and Daddy will forever be ... Mommy and Daddy. Tell them how you will call them faithfully and how they can call you any time day or night - how you will always be available.
Solicit their input. Ask them how they're feeling. What thoughts do they have? What suggestions do they have to help you help them? What questions do they have? Let this be their forum.
Consider counseling for the entire family. This is a time to do everything right. Major changes are about to occur. A good family therapist may ease the transition for all of you.
Parents, a huge mistake is to never have this discussion. An even bigger one is to never think it through before doing so. Some parents believe that everything will magically be explained, by osmosis, through time.
Children may resent you later. It is incumbent upon you to face the reality of the situation and to bring this reality into focus for the kids.
Divorce can be acrimonious or amicable. Kids will remember which of the "a" words it is. Make it as painless and seamless as possible. Put their needs above yours.
Sherry Thomas is president of The Palm Beach School of Etiquette and Life Skills. Visit the school's website and follow her on Twitter @EtiquetteQueen.
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