3-Minute Guru


Monday, January 10, 2011
Parent frustration: Who needs the time-out?

BY KAREN DEERWESTER

  HELP! Your child isn't getting it.

  You've read the books, interviewed seemingly successful parents, you're following the advice ... and still... your child's behavior is not changing.

  Night-time drama, looks-like-deliberate potty accidents, aggression on the preschool playground - you've had enough.  "It" must stop.  Over-the-top parent frustration is burying you, making you the kind of parent you don't want to be, doing things that just don't work.
Karen Deerwester.
  You know it's "you" when:
  •   You've tried everything and nothing works
  •   You hear yourself giving ultimatums - "this is the LAST TIME ..."
  •   You feel like you can't take it anymore
  •   You're saying the same thing 100 times a day, an hour
  •   You can't see the child behind the behavior

   Here's when you need the life pause-button.

   You can't keep moving forward to fix the problem while you're feeling overwhelmed by frustration.  There's a strong possibility that your frustration is the gasoline on the fire.  

   Pediatrics, the journal of The American Academy of Pediatrics, reports that "Parent frustration predicts frequent use of every discipline practice, including a greater inclination to use aversive practices."

   You simply cannot discipline or teach from frustration.

   The answer to the eternal question, "Is it me?" is "yes."  Take your mommy time-out.  Take a day or a week to find your inner calm-mommy.  Make stress relief a priority.  Then, try those recommended parenting strategies that seem to work so well for everyone else.

Remember, you're not crazy.  Kids really do push buttons, test all limits and take a long time to learn what seems very obvious to grown-ups.

They also get thrown off course for very legitimate reasons like illness, new baby siblings and great big heart-wrenching fears.  Shouldn't you cut 'em some slack?

Yes and no. You should add extra comfort, time and skill-building to help them throughout the day, but you should not get pulled into their emotional storm.  They need you to steer them out of the storm with clarity and conviction.

Is parent frustration justified?  Sure it is, kids will get stuck in some crazy-making behaviors.  You just don't want to get stuck with them.



Karen Deerwester is the author of "The Entitlement-Free Child" and "The Potty Training Answer Book" and the owner of Family Time Coaching and Consulting. She offers one-on-one parent coaching, as well as classes and seminars. She is also Mommy & Me director at B'Nai Torah Congregation in Boca Raton, where she works with mothers, infants and toddlers through age 2. Get more information about B'Nai Torah's early childhood education program here. Visit the Family Time website and follow Karen on Twitter @FamilyTimeInc.