3-Minute Guru
Monday, Feb. 20, 2012
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After divorce, help kids with blame, expectations
By ROSALIND SEDACCA
Whether your divorce is pending or five years behind you, your children continue to process the reality
according to their age and level of understanding. There are several concepts that cause the most emotional turmoil for children. Being aware of these sensitive areas can help parents address these issues more effectively.
As your children age, they may revisit your divorce with more questions, confusion or insecurity. That’s why it’s essential that you have answers ready based on a keen understanding of how children internalize a divorce - even long after it’s over.
There are two major concepts that can create the most emotional pain for children. The first has to do with blame and the second with unrealistic expectations. Here are some suggestions for handling these common challenges.
Children keep blaming themselves for the divorce – even after it’s over!
Regardless of what their parents may tell them, many children still believe they are the reason for their parent’s divorce. This is especially so if the children have heard their parents fighting about the kids and related parenting issues. It’s easy for a child to assume that if they had behaved better, fought less with their siblings, received better grades or helped more around the house, they could have prevented the subsequent divorce.
Your divorce may be long past, but some children still need to repeatedly hear the same message. It’s important to explain to them that divorce is always between moms and dads. Regardless of what they may have heard when their parents fought, children are never the cause of a divorce. Using age-appropriate language, it’s valuable to explain to your children that there are many reasons why people divorce.
Sometimes they may have grown apart. Or the love they once had for each other has changed. Often they just can’t agree about issues in their lives. You don’t have to go into specifics in your own circumstances. The important point to make is that Mom and Dad both love you very much. And one thing is for certain: The divorce was not and is not your fault. You did not cause our divorce and you are not in any way to blame.
Children keep trying to fix your divorce – even after it’s over!
One of the saddest consequences of a divorce is the pressure some children put upon themselves to fix the problem. Getting Mom and Dad back together is a huge emotional burden that you don’t want your children to undertake. It’s a no-win situation that’s far beyond the capabilities of any child – even when they’re in their teens.
Nevertheless, many children invest time in wishing and trying to make everything OK and get both parents back home again. Part of their strategy may be trying to adjust their behavior so they never get scolded, striving for A’s at school and becoming the perfect child.
Some children take the opposite track. They create negative attention to distract Mom and Dad, hoping to sidetrack the divorce. By acting out, doing poorly in school, jumping onto drugs or other negative behaviors, their intention is to make the divorce go away by keeping their parents engaged in these other demanding issues.
Again, it’s valuable to address these behaviors head-on. Talk about your children’s feelings. Let them know you understand and acknowledge their right to be angry, frustrated, hurt, confused or ashamed about the divorce.
Explain, as well, that they can’t behave their way into avoiding or postponing a divorce – or restoring a
marriage after a divorce. The more both parents are in accord regarding the finality of the divorce and the
messages they are conveying, the easier it will be for your children to accept the tough reality they may have been trying to avoid.
Rosalind Sedacca is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the ebook, 'How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love!' Rosalind provides telephone coaching services on parenting skills during and after divorce. She also offers teleseminars and a comprehensive audio coaching program for parents. Follow her on Twitter @RosalindSedacca, like Child Centered Divorce Network on Facebook, or visit childcentereddivorce.com.
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